“If everyone’s ass was that tight, I’d be out of a job.”
To be frank, I’ve had a shitty couple of days.
I usually don’t talk about personal issues, but I thought this was important to share.
This is the lighthearted story of my first Colonoscopy. This all started when my Primary Care Physician told me to get a Colonoscopy after I was having problems with blood in my stool after returning from the cross country trip. So, I went to my Gastroenterologist to have a consultation and we made an appointment for the procedure the next week at 6:30 AM. I had read and heard too many stories about people who found polyps and how if “they had only caught them a little sooner” it would be no big deal to remove them. So I set my appointment and went for it.
I’m happy to start this blog post with this near-exact quote from the surgeon that performed my colonoscopy. As I was lying on the gurney waiting for my procedure, the doctor was looking over my chart and asked about the episode of bloody stool I had a couple of months ago. I responded that the Urgent Care doctor told me they were internal hemorrhoids and were part of the reason for this colonoscopy. The doctor was a tiny man from India and I hoped the water for a total of 16 ounces, and have to drink another 2, 16 ounce, glasses of water in the next hour. It is way too much liquid for the body to handle and each dose then makes something happen. Explosive diarrhea!
I didn’t know how long it would take for the Suprep to kick in, so after about 45 minutes with just a bit of a grumble in my stomach, I had my first hint of the cleansing to come. My Gastroenterology reassured me, soothingly during the consultation that, “It will just make your “#2 peep-hole spray “cream soda”. Now that is something to look forward too.
If you haven’t done it, just think of it as someone turning on a faucet that comes out your ass. And it proceeded to do that off and on, but mostly on, until about 4:00 the next morning. By then it was time to “wake up” so I could shower and drive the 45 minutes to the doctor’s office for the procedure. Without getting too graphic, it was not a pleasant experience staying up all night with repeated trips to the toilet. I’ve been told I’m full of shit, but after that long night, no more! I had lost 7 pounds to the bowel prep over the past 24 hours and not surprisingly was hungry after going without food for the past 24 hours as I got to the office at the prime time of 6 AM.
Like every guy, the thought of being violated by a long tube is at the very bottom of the list of things I want to do on a cold wet winter’s day. I could live with having to take all the laxatives that lead up to the procedure, but the tube up the backdoor, that’s scary. I was definitely nervous. Despite doctors and nurses telling me it would be a breeze, I was naturally skeptical.
Once I got into the Gastro Room where they did these, they told me that they were going to knock me out, and I would get a nap and wake up like nothing happened. After no sleep all night that did not sound like it was a bad thing. They were right. One minute I’m talking with the Anesthesiologist about Alaska, the next I’m waking up, picking up the conversation where I left off and being told to “dispel the air in my system”.
Nowhere else can you rip off some huge farts and have 2 nurses and a doctor, while maintaining a very professional demeanor, tell you that you aren’t done yet and demand that you let loose a few more. My nickname Icewind was living up to its heritage, “cool farts”. It was then time to get dressed and out the door so they could continue with many more procedures the rest of the day. It amazes me they do so many, with 4 offices and two hospitals packed every day for various procedures.
Now what happened after the test is the continuation of this story . . .
At this point I was famished so decided to go get something to eat. There was an IHOP down the street from the doctor’s office, I wanted a Belgian waffle, bacon, and some much needed coffee. I lost 7 pounds during the prep for the Colonoscopy, now it time to get some of it back! Most of the diners inside were “senior citizens” (not me, I’m still young at heart). As we’re being seated, still feeling pretty happy from the anesthesia, I am thinking to myself, “How does it feel to lower the average age in here to people who are still breathing?”
Walking into the restaurant I feel the urge to go to the bathroom just in case so as not to have an accident on the way home. One of my gaming friends told me I should take an “Adult” diaper with me for the return home, I had gotten one but did not bring it with me, now I was debating whether it was a good idea or not. I used one of the stalls, do my business and return to the table to eat.
After the meal knowing it will be an hour drive back to the house I realize I should go to the bathroom once more to prevent any accidents on the way home. So I get up and manage to get myself to the bathroom. It’s when I’m done and washing my hands that I look around and see there are no urinals in the bathroom. That’s when it hits me . . . I’m in the Ladies Room . . . for the 2nd time. Amazingly there were no women in either time, and no one came in while I was there. After paying the check, telling the waiter Merry Christmas it was time to get out of there and get back me home where I relax for the rest of the day. Thank you anesthesia, for the semi-blur I was in over the next couple of hours.
I’m writing this post because I hated the fact that I was afraid of getting a colonoscopy. I had put it off several times over the years since I turned fifty. It honestly scared me. It took over fifteen years to finally get this procedure done as I don’t like hospitals or doctor’s after losing my father when I was a teenager. I don’t like entries into exit lanes and it’s scary as shit that they could find something wrong with me. In other words I was a wimp when I shouldn’t have been.
The doctor found a total of 6 polyps of various kinds, not sure what they are yet but the sheet with photos showed: 3 – Cecal Polyps, Hepatic Flexure Polyp, Transverse colon Polyp, and a Descending colon polyp. I will be notified in a few days after the pathology results are back but the doctor sounded positive to me.
Bottom line is that your life just might depend on getting tested for colon cancer. There is absolutely nothing to be afraid of.It’s truly easy and breezy. Like Nike says, “Just Do It”.